ZOMBIESTUCK

Karkat: Talk to Tavros

You awkwardly scuttle away from Eridan, who is now furiously separating the Faygo bottles from the water bottles. It’s probably best if you just let him do whatever the hell he’s going to do. You try to tell yourself that he’s at least sort of trying to help out, and that’s always a good thing. Sometimes. Maybe you’ll check back up on him later. Help him count or something.

For now though, you decide to go see how Tavros is doing. He’s been hanging out in that corner for a while now, and you think you’ve heard him talking to himself? That can’t be any sorts of good, and it’s unsurprising that no one has gone over to see what’s up with him. Once again, it’s up to you to figure out just what in the fresh fuck is going on.

—

—

AT: hELLO, aND WELCOME TO tAVROS’ SHOP,

AT: hOW MAY i BE OF SERVICE TO YOU TODAY,

AT: }:)

CG: WHAT.

CG: YOU CAN SERVICE ME BY CUTTING THIS SHIT OUT. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?AT: oH, sORRY kARKAT,

AT: iT WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT OF, uH, hARMLESS FLARPING,

CG: IS THIS REALLY THE TIME TO BE FLARPING, ASSHOLE?

CG: THE ANSWER IS FUCK NO, THIS IS THE TIME TO BE GATHERING SUPPLIES AND NOT GOOFING OFF AND WASTING OUR PRECIOUS TIME WHICH WE DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE.

 CG: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING BACK THERE. THERE CAN’T BE ANYTHING USEFUL IN THERE.

AT: aCTUALLY, tHERE WAS ONE THING i FOUND,

AT: wHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE CLASSIFIED AS USEFUL, dEPENDING ON YOUR WEAPON OF CHOICE, hEHE,

AT: i FOUND A SMALL GUN,

AT: iT WASN’T LOADED, bUT THERE’S A BOX OF AMMO TOO,

CG: HOLY FUCK, ARE YOU SERIOUS.

CG: CONGRADUFUCKINGLATIONS, TAVROS. SOMEHOW YOU HAVE MANAGED TO BE THE MOST USEFUL ONE OUT OF THE COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS FUCKWITS I’VE TALKED TO SO FAR.

CG: YOU HAVE LEAPED UP THE ECHELADDER OF USEFULNESS FROM “COMPLETE WASTE OF SPACE” TO “SLIGHTLY MORE USEFUL THAN ERIDAN”. WHICH ISN’T THAT HARD TO DO, I GUESS.

CG: ANYWAYS. GIVE ME THE GUN. I DON’T ACTUALLY TRUST YOU WITH IT.

AT: oH, uHH, aLRIGHT THEN,

AT: eVEN IF i WAS GROWING, yOU COULD SAY, fOND OF IT,

CG: YOU POOR FUCK. GROWING ATTACHED TO INANIMATE OBJECTS. HOPEFULLY YOU’LL GET YOUR OWN SOONER OR LATER, IF WE MAKE IT TO THE GUN SHOP WITHOUT HAVING OUR HINDQUARTERS VIGOROUSLY GNAWED UPON BY THE DROOLING MASSES OUT THERE.

CG: BUT I GUESS YOUR HINDQUARTERS WOULD BE OKAY, CONSIDERING THEY’RE METAL. WHATS THE STATUS ON YOUR STUPID ROBO-LEGS, ANYWAY? ARE THEY HOLDING UP OKAY? I DON’T WANT YOU TRIPPING ALL OVER YOURSELF WHILE WE’RE OUT RUNNING OUR ASSES OFF.

AT: tHEY CAN HOLD UP, i SUPPOSE,

AT: iT’S BETTER THAN BEING ON wHEELS, tHAT WOULD BE SLOWER i THINK,

CG: YEAH YEAH, JUST TRY NOT TO DAMAGE THEM, OKAY? WHO KNOWS WHEN WE’LL FIND EQUIUS. HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THAT MECHANICAL SHIT.

CG:…

CG: YOUR HELMET IS WAY TOO FUCKING BIG FOR YOU, CAN’T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT? AND WHEN DID YOU GET THAT STUPID STICKER?

AT: iT SEEMS FINE TO ME, }:(

AT: oH, aND gAMZEE GAVE ME THE STICKER,

AT: hE SAID IT SUITED ME AND THAT IT WOULD, lIFT MY MOTHERFUCKING SPIRITS,

CG: WOW.

CG: STUPID FUCKING JUGGALO

CG: WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO ANYWAY. I WONDER IF HE’S STILL IN THE-

AT: oH, tHAT CAN’T BE GOOD,

AT: wHAT IF,

AT: wHAT IF IT’S,

AT: }:(

CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, OH MY GOD.

CG: STAY YOUR ASS HERE, I’LL GO CHECK IT OUT.

Karkat: Talk to Eridan

This truly is a weird moment. For some reason you cannot and will not even begin to attempt to explain, you feel the need to talk to Eridan. Welp, this will probably make his entire week. 

-

CG: ERIDAN.

CG: YOU BETTER BE DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB OVER HERE.

CA: yeah yeah im doin it

CA: wwhat do you wwant anywways

CG: I’M JUST MAKING SURE YOU ASSHOLES ARE DOING WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

CG: BECAUSE APPARENTLY I CAN’T TRUST YOU IDIOTIC FUCKWITS TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT WITHOUT ME HAVING TO HOLD YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE FUCKING HANDS THROUGH EVERY GOD DAMN STEP.

CG: VRISKA IS A SHINING EXAMPLE OF WHY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FROM THE START.

CA: kar are you blind noww too

CA: im not vvris

CA: as you can hopefully see im fully capable of doin a simple task like this

CA: i just taste each drink an make sure it isnt spoiled and if it is then toss it

CA: that is wwhat im suppose to be doin right

CG: ERIDAN NO. YOU DONT TASTE THEM.

CG:  GOD DAMN.

CG: NOW WE’RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE HORROR THAT IS HAVING TO INDIRECTLY KISS YOUR DISGUSTING HIPSTER FISHLIPS.

CG: OH GOD.

CG: THAT’S DISGUSTING TO EVEN THINK ABOUT…

CA: come on kar it isnt that bad

CA: the kisses i mean

CG: SHUT UP.

CG: IT IS.

CG: AND NOW WE’RE MOVING ALONG IN THIS CONVERSATION.

CG: HOW MUCH WATER DO WE HAVE? ARE YOU AT LEAST COUNTING THAT?

CA: wwait im suppose to be countin too

CG: …

CG: OH HOLY SHIT.

CG: SERIOUSLY.

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

CG: YES, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE COUNTING THE WATER YOU UNBELIEVABLE FUCKING DIPSHIT!

CG: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING COUNTING ALL OF THE DRINKS!

CG: WHAT DID I SAY?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY??

CG: I NEED TO FUCKING WALK YOU ASSHOLES THROUGH EVERYTHING LIKE A FUCKING LUSUS.

CG: OKAY KIDS LETS ALL FUCKING CROSS THE ROAD NOW AND BE SURE TO HOLD HANDS AND ALSO DON’T STRAY TO FAR BECAUSE KNOWING YOU LOT YOU’LL ALL JUST FUCKING SKIP OFF AND RUN HEAD FIRST INTO THE FUCKING HOARDS OF UNDEAD FUCKWITS THAT WANT TO EAT YOUR STUPID DISGUSTING NON-EXISTANT THINKPANS!

CA: kar calm the fuck dowwn

CA: ill count your fuckin wwater

CA: one

CA: twwo

CA: three

CG: ERIDAN STOP

CG: THATS THE FAYGO

CG: GOD DAMNIT

CA: oh cod

CA: wwell

CA: i guess ill do that

CA: start my damn job all ovver

CA: counting all the wwater

CA: do i count the faygo too

CA: because if i do then in that case i can at least say wwe havve three for sure

CA: YOU KNOW WHAT.

CG: DO WHAT YOU WANT.

CG: I GIVE UP ON YOU. FOREVER. EVEN IF EVERYONE ELSE DIES AND YOU AND I ARE THE LAST ONES ALIVE AND I’M DANGLING OFF A GIANT CLIFF SCREAMING MY FUCKING ASS OFF, I WILL NOT SCREAM FOR YOU TO HELP BECAUSE I HAVE GIVEN UP ON YOU AND ALL I CAN EXPECT FROM YOU IS A TOTAL AND COMPLETE FAILURE OF AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE MY POOR PATHETIC LITTLE LIFE.

CG: SO, JUST..GO BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING. AS LONG AS IT DOESNT INVOLVE YOU PUTTING YOUR DISGUSTING DRIPPING MAWL ALL OVER OUR DRINKS.

CA: nobody wwill notice a thing kar and evven if they did itd be a pleasant taste or wwhatever

CG: SHUT UP AND COUNT YOUR FAYGO.

-

Wow.

Wow.

>Karkat: Awkwardly scuttle away

Karkat: Talk to Vriska

For some reason, you feel compelled to talk to Vriska. This can only end stupidly.

—

CG: VRISKA. HEY, VRISKA HOW IS YOUR ASSIGNMENT GOING?

AG: Assignment? If you mean the dull task of counting the food then you can forget it!!!!!!!!

CG: WHAT.

CG: VRISKA.

CG: DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME THAT YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED COUNTING!

AG: Maaaaaaaaybe :::;)

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, VRISKA.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, THEN?

AG: Cre8ting one of the 8est zom8ie survival guides to d8!!!!!!!!

AG: Which, unlike counting food, isn’t 8oring.

CG: OH MY GOD…

CG: YOU JUST COULDN’T DO WHAT I FUCKING ASKED YOU TO DO.

CG: I EVEN ASKED NICELY!

CG: “VRISKA, COULD YOU PLEASE COUNT ALL OUR FUCKING FOOD SO THAT WE KNOW HOW LONG IT’LL TAKE BEFORE WE FUCKING STARVE TO DEATH IN HERE?”

CG: YEAH. IT WAS FUCKING STUPID OF ME TO EVEN THINK FOR ONE DAMN SECOND THAT YOU WOULD CARE ABOUT STARVING TO DEATH.

AG: Geez, well soooooooorry! It was just so 8oring I couldn’t focus on it.

AG: What a8out all these other slackers? They aren’t doing anything. At least I’m making a guide to surviving this situation to help us out!

AG: How a8out the light show over there? Doesn’t seem like she’s doing anything. She can count the food!!!!!!!!

CG: WHAT? YOU MEAN ROSE?

CG: I’M SURE SHE IS BUSY WORKING ON THE IMPORTANT, VERY USEFUL THING I HAVE HER WORKING ON RIGHT NOW.

CG: UNLIKE YOU.

AG: ::::P

CG: WHAT EVEN IS THIS STUPID FUCKING “GUIDE TO SURVIVAL” THING YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT?

AG: It’s the Zom8ie Apocalypse Guide 8y Vriska Serket!!!!!!!! And it’s fucking amazing not fucking stupid dummy.

AG: And it’ll save your fucking ass even if you don’t want to admit it.

CG: WOW.

CG: VRISKA I’M NOT GOING TO LIE HERE.

CG: THIS IS ME BEING PERFECTLY HONEST.

CG: THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER FUCKING HEARD.

CG: NOW GET THE FUCK BACK TO WORK.

AG: Augh, fine!

AG: XXXXO

CG: AND DON’T FORGET TO COUNT THOSE LITTLE MINI DONUTS!

CG: I LIKE THOSE.

AG: And don’t forget to count the fucks I give.

AG: Oh w8, there are none!!!!!!!!

—

Oh Vriska, you always have everyone’s better interests in mind, don’t you. You take a passing glance at the “Zom8ie Apocalypse Guide” as you shove past her. It looks really, really dumb. You have a sick, sinking feeling as you realize that this is going to be a thing throughout this entire ordeal. 

Well, time to move on to your next target.

>Karkat: Talk to Eridan

==>

You have reached the main room safely. Wow, it’s a fucking disaster zone in here. It looks like everyone is busy doing their assigned tasks…excellent. Time to check on their progress.

>Karkat: Talk to Vriska

Karkat: Go to check on the other idiots

To get to the main room you need to walk through this here hallway. You hate this hallway. It looks like something horrible happened here but no one knows what exactly. It was already like this when you arrived here.

Looks like something has been barricaded inside that smaller storage room. 

You walk past it as quickly as you can, trying to ignore the faint shuffling you may or may not have heard coming from inside that room.

==>

Karkat: Talk to Gamzee

Oh it’s just this idiot. What the fuck does he want.

—-

CG: GAMZEE, WHAT THE SHIT! NEVER FUCKING EVER SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT AGAIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT. YOU’RE LUCKY I DIDN’T PUNCH YOU IN YOUR STUPID ASS CLOWN FACE!

TC: Oh mAn, BeSt fRiEnD I DiDn’t mOtHeRfUcKiNg mEaN To bE AlL Up aNd sNeAkInG Up oN YoUr aSs lIkE ThAt. WiLl yOu aCcEpT ThIs mOtHeRfUcKeRs mOsT DeEp aNd sInCeReSt oF MoThErFuCkInG ApOlOgIeS?  :o(

CG: JUST DON’T DO IT AGAIN, SHITFACE.

CG: ANYWAYS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

TC: NoThInG BrO, yOu bEiNg bAcK HeRe fOr sO MoThErFuCkInG LoNg wAs mAkInG Me aLl cUrIoUs aNd sHiT As tO WhAt yOu wErE MoThErFuCkInG DoInG BaCk hErE.

CG: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM DOING? I’M TRYING TO GET THIS STUPID THING TO TURN ON AGAIN.  THE BATTERY FUCKING RAN OUT AND IT’S PRETTY MUCH DEAD.

TC: So wHy tHe mOtHeRfUcK ArE YoU Up aNd tRyInG To pOwEr tHaT MoThErFuCkInG CoMpUtEr mAcHiNe uP AgAiN If iTs aLl oFf iN CoMpUtEr mAcHiNe lAnD HeAvEn?

CG: BECAUSE I’M FUCKING DESPERATE HERE, GAMZEE, OBVIOUSLY.

TC: I’M AlL ThInKiNg tHaT We nEeD To uP AnD HaVe a mOmEnT Of mOtHeRfUcKiNg qUiEt fOr oUr lOsT BrO, tHe cOmPuTeR MaChInE.

CG: GAMZEE NO THAT’S FUCKING STUPID. IS EVERYONE STILL IN THE OTHER ROOM? ARE THEY WORKING ON THEIR ASSIGNMENTS LIKE I TOLD THEM TO?

TC: …

CG: GAMZEE.

TC: …

CG: GAMZEE!

TC: …

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT GAMZEE, FUCK YOU, I’LL GO AND CHECK FOR MYSELF.

TC: …oH, bEsT fRiEnD i AlL dOnE aNd FoRgOt YoU wAs HeRe.

TC: HoNk :o)

CG: IM LEAVING. 

—-

You exit the room. That idiot is just too much sometimes. It’s suffocating. But you do suppose you’re happy he’s around. He keeps the mood light.  And he pretty much saved your ass. So there’s that to be grateful about too. Now, to check on all of the other idiots in the main room. Man, being the leader is hard work!

>Be future Karkat

You are now the Karkat who is currently held up in the abandoned convenience store. You attempt to turn on this stupid piece of shit laptop but of COURSE it won’t turn on at all. It’s blank screen only stares at you mockingly. That little fucker.

==> Be more agressive! Show it who is the fucking boss around here!

Read More

BEGIN

vvvOPEN MEMOvvv

Read More